"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the LORDyour God will be with you wherever you go. " - Joshua 1:9

Friday, January 29, 2010

Praise you in this storm


Today I woke up and it was storming. I hate driving in the rain. I felt so scared, driving with my hands at 10 and 2, 5 senses on, driving about 25 mph. It’s especially scary because for a large portion on the route from my home to the nanny’s there is no light. So with the rain pouring down you cant see anything in front of you. My main motive for driving so carefully is to get my children and me to our destination safely. There would be occasional potholes, or unexpected puddles of water, and my heart would jump every time I hit one. 1 hour later I sit at work, wet, but safe. My children are with Mrs. Guzman and my husband made it safely to work. We made it through the storm, even though the whole time we were right in the middle of it, I was scared to death.

You guys are probably thinking, BIG deal …people drive in the rain all the time. However it was during this drive that I figured life is a lot like driving in the rain. At least life for us at the moment. We right now are in the middle of the storm, the rain is pouring down and we are driving down a dimly lit road. However we can see headlights up ahead and we know that if we catch up to it we will be guided through the storm. The headlights are God and the solution to our dilemma. We see the solution and it’s not far from us, but we cant seem to catch up to it at the moment…

We know the storm wont last forever and one day the sky will clear and the sun will come out. As for today, we have our hands on 10 and 2 …we will focus on the headlights up ahead, even when i hit a few pot holes…. and we will wait for this storm to pass. All we want to do is get our children to the other side…..that’s it .

I dont know if this makes sense at all to you ...but to me it does at the moment = )

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Not a happy blog!


Today I am just full of anxiety, for no reason at all. At least none that I know of at the moment. I feel anxious. Like my heart is fixing to jump out of my chest. You know the way you feel when you just drank an energy drink. On my way to work I heard the song they played at my grandfathers funeral. I felt chills overcome my body. It has almost been a year since he passed and very often I find myself in tears thinking about him. I miss him sooo much. Even though he was not my blood grandfather, he was the only grandparent I ever knew. I know he is watching me from up above though. I feel his presence often. He is my guardian angel…I just know it.

Now moving on to other things. The builder of our neighborhood sold off the empty lots to Centex. So now there are new build in our neighborhood in the low 100’s…I hope this does not affect our sale. But I don’t know anymore…I will just sit and wait what the Lord has planned.

My life is full of lots of questions right now. I actually can’t tell you where Ill be 2 months from now….2 weeks…..1 day …..That is such a hard feeling for me. I wish I could just run away form everything and hide. With my family with me of course but just away from all of it. I HATE Houston! I hate it!!! I love some of the people I have come to meet here…but I look back on the day we moved here…and how I wish I could go back and tell myself to just stay in Dallas. There are times I am strong about the whole situation….today I am not! I want out! I want a solution. I want everything to be okay again. I want all the stress to be gone. I want me and my husband to have not much to worry about but our babies and love for each other. I miss seeing my husband happy with his job, happy with himself…..happy with life! I miss the old family we use to be. I miss Dallas. I miss family…. I miss my mom, dad, brothers, I miss my in-laws, I miss my sister in law, I miss my niece and nephew, I miss going to church. I miss being able to just be me………………………..

I am so thankful for the life I have been given. Sometimes it’s okay to cry…today I cry!

I hate the fact that my babies call the nanny momma! I hate that on days that I cant take it ……I don’t have somebody I call a best friend that I can call and pour my heart out too…. I hate the fact that I’m pouting my heart out on blog that nobody is reading…I hate that my little brother is going through heartache and I cant fix it!

I hate the fact that I am not strong today …… I want to be a better Christian, Mother, Wife, and person…

I hate that I let this all get to me………………….

When will this season end Lord? I am waiting……….I will continue to wait…you are most powerful and almighty…There is a reason for all of this I am sure…

It’s a slow fade………………people never crumble in a day ……..

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Self Image


We live in a world where you have to look the best, be the thinnest, be the richest, and all around put together. I never really realized how caught up in all of this I was till yesterday. I went to the eye doctor for yet another follow up. When checking my Prescription after my trial Dr.Cook asked me " How attached are you to color?" I did not like this question at all!!! I was like very attached why? She stated that I would need a stronger Rx and I would not be able to get it in color. I found myself getting really upset! Was I really driving back to work crying because I will not be able to have blue eyes again? Blue eyes that God himself did not supply with but a company called Freshlook. I immediately called my husband. If anybody will be as upset as me it will for sure be Brian. I mean he has known me with blue eyes.... I can’t even imagine what he will think. He answered the phone and I told him. His answer was " You haven’t had blue eyes for a month.... I haven’t even noticed!" me: "So you are not upset?" him: "Umh No Why? Are you?"

That’s when I began to pull myself together. If he didn’t care why should I? My husband reassured me that I was beautiful and he liked my brown eyes. This brought me back to when I was younger. I begged and pleaded my parents for a nose job. I told my mom I hated my nose. It was ugly and it made me ugly! My parents had agreed that instead of my Quinceanera (sweet 15) I could get a rhinoplasty. I was jumping for joy!!! I could not believe it, I would finally be pretty!!! And then I watched Maury....haha ...yeah Maury! It was an episode of people obsessed with plastic surgery. Maury asked one of her guest if she even cared that she was hurting her mom’s feelings when saying she hated herself and the way she looked. This girl was the exact spitting image of her mother...and then ...tun tun tun. It hit me. This whole time I was yelling at my parents I was actually yelling, " I hate YOUR nose, your nose is ugly"! I was never so disgusted with myself.

Over the years I have learned to love myself for who I am .I have grown to be a pretty good person. I will give you the shirt off my back if i have to . My parents are the same way and Im sure I learned it from them. Sometimes I have drawbacks concerning my outside Image. It will be soemthing that I will struggle with for a little time to come. But I think I am learning to accept myself and look at myself through Gods eyes...We will see how long that lasts haha

Monday, January 25, 2010

Girl Time, Showings and Football!


The weekends started off pretty exciting for me. I got to go out to dinner with some girlfriends to a sushi bar in Clear Lake called Masa Sushi! Yum!! They know me and Stephanie there for sure. We usually share a plate called Maki Combination, so thats what they call us. They sit us down and say ok so you want the Maki Combination , replace Hati Ta#$%$^$ with a Volcano and Cajun with crunch ...right? RIGHT!!! And I willhave the house soup and she will have peanut dressing! haha Well we still did this friday night but this time Jen came with us! She is Steph's friend but I have met her a couple of times before. She is pregnant with her second girl...must be nice haha. I told her we can have a baby switching party and that way we can have one of each. I would miss my fat boys waaaaay to much tho!
I came home pretty early tho by 8:30 I was already on my way home. The weekend consisted of me running around like a maniac due to showings. Showings are a great thing dont get me worng. I would rather they let me know more than 20 minutes in advance. 2 out of the 3 showings , I had just made dinner so I was hidding dirty dishes once again! ugh!They seemed to have all showed up, so everybody cross your fingers and hope we got a catch!!!!
Other than that we did alot of nothing this weekend. I did alllllooooot of Laundry. Oh and we watched the Saints vs Vikings game! That was pretty exciting...well when I said we watched...Brian was on the couch watching it and I was watching makeup tutorials on my Iphone. I found this pretty cool makeup Guru that is so freakin awesome!!! I can say freakin right? Well its called Beauty Broadcast you should totally check it out!
Thats all for now ....See you tomorrow = )

Friday, January 22, 2010

OMG!!!

Im going to make this short...but I went to the chapel next door to pray . I had preciously wrote how I wanted to make it part of my mornig ritual and pray there every morning. And I am proud to announce that I have.....Well anyways as I kneeled down to pray . I flashed back to my prayer yesterday, My husband was having a bad day and I asked that God put some light on his day and just do anything to get him through it ...and it hit me like a ton of bricks....God sent this new idea to him. This new little glipse of hope that he could get out of this field into soemthing he would enjoy. Im sure my husband was delighted and excited while researching this new field...and I the dream chatterer....rained on his parade.

Ok so that was my OMG moment ... = )

Fear of the unknown


That's it!!! I have a name for the problem that has been haunting me my whole life! I fear not knowing what will happen to my family. I fear not knowing if my house will sell and when? I fear not knowing what path our life is suppose to take. Yesterday my husband dropped a bomb on me . One of those I'm thinking of doing this instead and its going to change our life's. He has done this several ...several times in the past.He always does it out of goodness and mot malice, so dont get the wrong impression of him. However one more just was enough to drive me crazy . I blog stalk a blog called Precious moments that I found while looking up information on a old high school friend. In her Blod entry yesterday she talked about the fear of the unknown. I had read this not even 5 minutes after my husband decided to tell me about his possible career change. ...OMG I thought to myself. That is exactly what I have . Fear of the Unknown. Ever since I was little my mom would say that I worried too much . I recall crying one time at the thought of one days my parents not being here. I was like 10 ! My mom was like whats wrong? I was like one day you will die and I will be sad? She laughed and was like "you are so crazy...that day is years and years away? If you cry now you wont have any tears to cry when the time comes."
I really have always been a worry wart. I like stability, I like predictability, I like knowing what happens next or at least thinking I know. I mean I don't even like suspense movies or books. I often google the end just to fulfill my feeling of uneasiness when watching. Weird huh? but so true!!! If I could fix that about me I would be set . That is my biggest fear and now I have diagnosed it haha.

Last night I think what scared me was that I didn't know if it was Satan or God. I kept telling myself, ok this is God changing our paths to guide us to exactly what it is we need to do ...and then I would think to myself what if its Satan trying to mislead us from the path we have been taking. I just got myself worked up . But in the end I have came to the conclusion that God is a very powerful God and no amount of worrying on my end is going to change in the outcome. I Will pray for guidance and I shall receive.

I think the part that upset me the most was that this new path (as it was explained to me) left us relying on others help to get through it. And while Help is amazing ..I am soooo ready to stand on my own two feet. I brought these babies into the world because I was ready to take care of them. Not my mom not my neighbor...Me!! So I need to do whats best to provide for them. ...ok in Reality the thought living with my parents again scares the hibby jibbys out of me. That's just not for me. I can do it for a couple of months if asked of me....but oh gosh ...It will probably be one of the hardest times of my life. I am so used to doing everything for my own babies...and when people try to help , or throw me off my routine..or say their way is better after I have been doing it my way for so long....well lets just say that is very hard for me. But.....we will see...I'm sure my blog entries will be way more exciting and juicy once those days come haha..


And as for me being a weirdo about all the other stuff....well I guess that's just me.. = )

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Psalm 106:1 (NIV) "Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever."





Okay so today's homework is for me to look back at 2009 and make a list of the five toughest trials I went through last year,and think about the results of each trial. Did God see me through it? Did I learn a new lesson or truth? Can I give God praise for some part of that trial?

Lets see the 5 things that stick out about last year. 1)My husband received a substantial pay and hour cut. 2)My house went on the market with no luck. 3) Brody missed the deadline for health insurance and had none all year. 4.)My grandfather passed away. 5.)My husband decided to join the Air Force.

Even know as I am writing these things an uneasy feeling overwhelms me. We are still very much affected by many of these. However we do have light at the end of the tunnel. It is 2010 and we are still here. That in itself is proof that God very much got us through it all. I know that many times I gave up. I threw in the towel. I focused on all the horrible things in life and not so much on all the positive. I remember in October, we finally got a contract on the house. All of a sudden I was filled with praise and joy for God . I was like I knew you would make it work ....I just knew it....and then not even a week later they pulled out of the contract. My dreams and hopes came crashing down and I blamed one person. I would look up and say why me? Why us? Never understanding he would work this out in his own time. His time was not my time and this made it really hard. I hated Ferguson (the company my husband works for) ...well when i say hated....that is past tense...I still hate it . ha ha Well hate is a strong word...lets just say if Ferguson was human and i saw it walking down the street I would kick it.

However God has been at worked in early 2010 it showed. Me got approved for a short sale after going through the long paperwork process..months and months..Brody got his Cigna card in the mail. Brian got some of his hours back, and in 35 days we will be on a cruise to Cozumel . Due to a wonderful blessing my family has sen our way !!!

I was such a non obedient child..I gave up on my faith at the times I needed it the most. I have learned that God no matter how many times I doubted him , turned my back ...He was busy at work. He is still busy at work and now my Grandpa Carl is busy helping him....

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A new me...its so hard

So I told myself that this year I was going to be a new me...well a better me. Everybody has that one person that you just cant seem to get along with . Atleast I like to tell myself that to feel better. She is a nice person to an extent so Its very easy on some days to be that perfect Christian I want to be and other days....ugh!!!!...I just let her get under my skin. She is what I like to call a downer. She is constantly upset about something and we all know that misery loves company and before you know it Im in a horrible mood. I dont understand how one person can be so negative , all the time about everything and anything. I ask God for the strenght to pray for this individual every night. Sometimes I just dont feel like it tho. I know thats a horrible thing to say , but God is my witness ...I TRY ...I make conversation with her , I try befriending her , I try making her look at the bright side of things, but NOTHING ...works ....In the next second she is stresseda bout something and I hear about it ALL ..and now Im stressed....sigh....Ok ..thats enough ....bye

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Haiti Update

Greg and his 2 companions (an orthopedic surgeon and an ER medic) are now at Sanford AFB outside of Orlando, FL via military transport out of Port-au-Prince. They should be in Houston later tonight. Unfortunately they were told there was nothing for them to do in Port-au-Prince and they should go home. It is so hard for me to believe they would turn away medical help!! Please continue to pray for the remaining team members, most of whom also left for Port-au-Prince and 4 who stayed in Jacmel. We have limited communication abillities with them and so are unsure of their plans. However, all Americans wanting out of Port-au-Prince will be given military transport to Florida. It appears that coordination of efforts to help in Haiti are extremely chaotic. The people of Haiti and those trying to assist them need your prayers!

Love Kim...Dr.B's wife

Prayer


Prayer is what i have been asking for, for many of my loved ones. First Dr.Bonnen and his team that went to Haiti and currently stuck there without a way back. We have several people still working very hard to find ways to get them off the island. The latest update is that they will get to port a prince by Blackhawk . They should be performing surgery today and tomorrow. However that leaves 12 people still in Jacmal with nowhere to really go. They are running out of fun and water and need to be out as soon as possible. Please continue to pray for their safety. I trust the Lord will take good care of them and bring them home safely , however that might be .

I will keep you guys updated as i get news.

On to more sad news , my nanny Mrs.Guzmans daughter was pregnant with her second child due in March of this year. However she went into labor on Saturday and had a still birth. I pray for understanding and strength for this family during such a hard time. They have not announced the funeral services due to the mom and dad being out of work and not being able to provide a funeral. They have to go through a lenghty process to get approval for some kind of Aide.

I will continue to pray for these families and anybody who is willing to join me ...the more the merrier...

I end this sad posting with pictures of my little angels. Brody's photo shoot for his birthday invitation.. and some random pictures i took yesterday

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Monday, January 18, 2010

Chapel

Today I went to the chapel here at the hospital for the first time. I walk by it everyday and I wonder what it's like inside , but never once had i had the courage to go in . Today however it was different. I walked by and for once walked up to it and went inside. A feeling of calm and sadness both over came me. I have not been to church in a very long time. I LOVE church , but somehow have not made priority to go on Sundays. I plan to go every weekend and somehow always make excuses not to go . So I walked in and took a kneel . I did what I most often dont do and that is just give God praise. I find myself asking for things to happen , asking why me, and hardly ever thank you God. I mean i throw in the thank you for my childrens health another day of life, but never thorogly sat and thought about how truly blessed I am . Well I kneeled there and prayed for a good 15 minutes. I think I am going to do this more often, because It just got me going on my work day with a great God filled spirit.

On another note Dr.Bonnen is the surgeon I work for and he is now stuck in Haiti. He left yesterday and with so many flight plan changes he now does not have a way back . If anybody can help please do so . I dont even know what to do or how to feel. Please pray that all this works out !!!

Weekend Update

Not much went on this weekend, We sat at home , cleaned, ate home cooked meals , and watched TV. We were suppose to have a showing on Saturday morning, we stayed up late on friday night cleaning up and leaving the home spotless. I packed the kids up and went to go park the car at the recreation center across the street. I didnt see anybody turn into our street tho. When the boys and I returned home all the lights were on and the home looked like it was in the smae state it was left in when we left. They usually turn a light off, or leave a buisness card, but nope nothing was left.

Well I still have high hopes that the house will sell by May 1st.

On the other hand my mother in law started us off on a budget and oh man it is awesome. I made a chart that i update daily to let us know where we stand. I just love the idea and we should have done this alot...alot..sooner!!!!

Well like I said my weekend was pretty blah..so nothing to report. I tried doing Brodys 1 year photo shoot. I have to do it by the end of this month due to our snapfish giftcard expering then...Ill post some when I finnally remember to bring my camera to work !

Friday, January 15, 2010

There is a God!!!

Yesterday was a good day!!! A great day to be exact. We have had our house on the market due to my husband leaving for the air force (if that is God's will) and me going to join him when the time comes. It has been on the market for about 6 months now. The showings have been dyeing down so my realtor decided to take it off the market and just pop it back in a week later. Well not even ten minutes after doing so (putting it back) we got a showing for tomorrow!! Praise God!! So i spent most of my night cleaning the house and getting it ready for its date ha ha . I ask that you pray that this family is the perfect fit for our home.

Well the was a great start to a great day and then my husband called me to make me aware that they gave him his hours back at work!!! Praise God yet again! A few months back they had cut his pay from salary to hourly and then cut his hours....and now its mostly back ...Amen! Any little bit helps. He had been looking for a part time job and had been unsuccessful at his search .

So today I am just full of praise. On my way to work I started thinking how it was so easy to love God now that things are starting to go a little our way . I had found myself doubting many times during the rough time. I started off really strong in my faith during these hard times, and slowly and slowly it just faded. It got to the point were I would be praying and asking the Lord for renewed faith and during the same prayer my mind would be wondering if anybody was even listening to my prayer. No matter how little my faith got tho , I never ever stopped praying. "God you are either there listening to me or you are not" I would say " If you are ...GREAT ..and if you are not ...then what do i have to loose. The verdict is in however and HE WAS LISTENING.

No matter how bad things got, It was enough for us to handle. You know they say "God never throws anything at you that you cant handle". So far this also has happened to be true. No matter how bad a situation we felt was, we always got through it. Most of the time with the help and support of family and friends and yet again also strangers. This has just been a humbling experience . However this season in our life's is not over yet ...but the clouds have opened up a bit ...and a little sunshine is starting to come in . GOD IS GOOD!!!

I leave you with a picture of Brody eating spaghetti. I am one of those moms that don't mind messes...If a) It is helping them to be more independent b) I need them to stay occupied doing whatever they are doing so i can get the dishwasher loaded or laundry folded without little wondering hands c)They are having just pure fun

01/14/2010

Brody learning to be a little independent...learning ....

Thursday, January 14, 2010

A great BIG sigh!

This morning was the complete opposite of yesterday. I woke up to Brody wanting to play ...so I got him up and got him all ready for his day. He is getting attached to me , so that means where I go , he goes. He usually is pretty easy tho. Hayden however woke up on the right side of the crib this morning. I walked in and he smiled and said "vroom vroom" haha. Its this new thing he does where he makes car sounds any chance he gets haha. He brushed his teeth, changed and was placed in the car , all in under 15 minutes. When I say I place the babies in the car , I dont mean I walk outside place them in a vehicle and walk away to leave them unattended. I wake up warm up the car that is in the garage. When its time to place the boys in I turn the car off , shut the garage door and place them in ..you know so they dont get a cold drift. I know Im a bit psycho in ways , but for the most part Im a laid back mom.

I confirmed all our cruise plans with the nanny. She is going to allow us to not pay her for the 4 days . So that should put enough money in our pockets for gas to drive to Grand Prairie to drop the boys off. I am getting more excited as it gets closer. I think initally i was just in shock and didnt think it was such a good idea at this time. But like eveybody tells me " How often will a chance like this come up?"

I was not blessed with a sister but I was blessed with sisters in law!!! I am very very close to my brothers girlfriends. Its to the point that I call almost each one of them daily. On my way home I call my mom , Then Alex or Trina. I sometimes call Jill but not very often. She is a busy girl and is in 2 competition soccer teams and that takes up alot of her time. My husband has a sister as well. Im not as close to her as I would like to be, but we have a pretty good relationship. I remember when I was little I use to cry to my mom that she never gave me a sister.Well now 24 years later I have 4!!! and the best part is I never had to share! haha ...I heart my sisters!!!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Smile

This morning was such a stressful morning. My sweet little Hayden had a case of the terrible two's. He did not want to wear socks, he did not want to wear a jacket...and he needed the Iphone. My mornings usually consist of me waking up to Brody wanting his morning juice and cereal ...I wake up and feed him and place him in the playroom. He is still a baby and can be easily distracted. Then I wake Hayden up get him ready ...he screams ....I stay silent...he screams...I pack their food for daycare....I put them both in the car..I run in half do my hair...never do my makeup ....grab my purse and run out!!!

I was so mad at every single stay at home mom in the world this morning. I was thinking to myself that it was not fair that i had to do this every morning. While other moms just let their babies sleep in , have time to doll themselves up , fix up the house to their likeing (Im never fully satasfied with the cleanliness of my house). I was just so upset and frustrated with the fact that I have to do this every morning.

and then God worked his magic ...yet again


I got to work and as I was walking through the Hospital every single nurse and Doctor I walked by greeted me with a Smile, a hello , a good morning. I slowly got myself out of this crabby mood I had put myself in. A simple smile or warm gesture from a stranger made my day turn around. I finished walking through the hospital finding myself being the one to initiate the hellos, and smiles. I was just having a blast .What if these other people were having a bad day and I was the one to turn it around.

Dont get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. I love the people I work with . I Love waht I do . I Love the Dr I work under. It is great . I am just really emotional . So when soemthing gets me upset ..I get upset haha.

Well with that said I am still stressing about the cruise . I wish this was somehting we had planned with more time to save more money for suprises etc. Im starting to calm down a bit but not much haha. I think I am the only person in the world that stresses out about going on a cruise haha . Well Ill keep you updated!!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Lifes wonderful surpirses

Yesterday was a pretty eventful day. It started off so stresful and ended up being one of the best days ever. When I got to work at 7 am I noticed my surgery board was full of exciting work for me to get done. As some as you might not know I work for a neurosurgeon and I am pretty much in charge of his surgery schedule and surgery patients. Every now and then Dr.Bonnen likes toplay what we call surgery switcharoo, when he come in and flips and flops patients around due to needing to add emergency cases...etc. When this happens it confuses all my Reps and Hospitals and i tend to get about 500 calls from different departments. This always makes my day fun.

Well in the middle of all this I get an Email from Trina ( My oldest brothers girlfrined) talking about their Cruise that they will be taking to Cozumel. I had known about this trip for about 2 weeks now. Last year they went on a cruise around the same time. She had been asking us to go with them ...Well origionaly it was to Hawaii...but regardless we could not realy afford such a trip during this iffy time in our lifes. I wrote her back and told her while this all sounded so great we would not be able to go .......and then a few moment s later....Lets just say we got a blessing from God ....and we ARE going to Cozumel in 6 weeks!!!!! I am excited and nervous beyond belief. My mom will watch the boys while we are on the trip so that part im not too worried about...maybe = ) ... But I was reading about all these hidden fees and what not, that you might get in cruises. I am more stressed than excited. I am like that tho. I hate surprises. I like knowing things way in advance to prepare for them and save up . I know its like " shut up you are going on a cruise" ...but i just wish it was under different circumstances . But Brian and I both needed this break!!!! We will finally get it ...woo to the hoo haha ! ..

Ill keep yall updated more and for sure post pictures when the time comes!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Its Okay!

This past weekend was really laid back. We did alot of nothing. I cleaned and cleaned, I even managed to unclutter the garage. I think I have to do that every month or so . I have to keep the closets pretty empty due to house showings so everything just ends up in a marked box in the garage.

Last night however was pretty rough . Brody woke up around 1 am and would not go back to sleep . He was crying at the top of his lung's. This is pretty normal for him , he is our little drama queen. The moment he wakes up you will hear him down the street I'm sure. Well I noticed he didn't want his bottle or his Binky. This is when my mama wheels started turning. He has to be teething. We gave him Motrin , held him, rocked him...but it wasn't till We started telling him that it was okay that he got quiet and finally went to sleep.

During these outbursts i tend to not say much , I hold, I rock , I hum but hardly do i ever say anything. My husband finds himself telling me constantly "Tell him something, talk to him". During these times I just like to be quiet tho. I guess its just me and my way of thinking. When I was a young child...well even now and anything was ever wrong, I was treated more like "suck it up" than "come here baby let me kiss your boo boo". You would think that would make me strong but instead i think it made me weaker....well maybe not weaker but definitely more emotional. I cried many nights in my room by myself without anybody ever knowing. I held a deep dark secret to myself from the age of 3 to 12 . I didnt know how to handle it and when I finally came out and told I dont think I got the reaction I expected. I cant even Imagine a little kid having to deal with such things , with nobody to help or listen , or explain to them what happened. I have gone through things in my life my family does not even know about. Even know in life, I tend to keep my problems to myself instead of sharing it with my family. If I do share , I get the " Well I went through worse speech" which is fine to try to give me a sense of reality , but maybe not at the moment Im calling you to tell you want im going through. Most of the time I just need somebody to listen.My husband has been very helpful at getting me over some stuff. Maybe later I can share what my secret was. Im actually pretty open about it , I just dont feel like going into detail today ..especially when its down on paper for me to look at.Well anyways I guess that brings me back to last night with Brody . Maybe Im just afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting their feelings, Maybe I feel that like me that need somebody to nurture you .

I guess I wont know till they are older , Until then I guess Ill keep holding them, kissing them , rocking them , and when Brian reminds me Ill say "Its Okay". I leave you with a picture my dada took of Hayden and he just sent me ...He was at the park with pampa...thats what he calls him ...Photobucket

Friday, January 8, 2010

Baby its cold outside!

So today it is 25 degrees outside with a high of 33. Not exactly my favorite kind of weather. I called in this morning and get approved, but yet again I am sitting here at work. I do that more often than not. I call in and say I'm not coming , than i sit at home ant think about everything sitting on my desk and i freak out just thinking about it multiplying as i sit at home. Well I bundled up my kids Christmas story style and took them to the nanny's.

On our way there I stopped at McDonalds to get Hayden a hash brown for being such a good helper this morning. He calls it "cheese" short for chuck-e-cheese. He ate the whole thing before we got to the Nanny's 5 minutes away. As you can tell my life is not all that exciting if I blog about my son eating a hash brown. Brody still cant properly eat one but I cant wait till he can . I feel like he knows whats going on and feels left out ha ha.

We still have not sold the house. We will keep you guys updated

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Trust

So this is my first post to my new Blog. I have started one before but never kept up with it due to time. Not that I have more time now, But I have more of a reason of wanting to start one. Im hopeing that once Brian leaves for the Air Force (if that is Gods will) he can look back and read about all our little life adventours , our life boredom haha.

I named this blog trust due to he lack of towards my nanny. Yesterday when Brian picked up Hayden and Brody from the Mrs.G's he noticed Haydens lip was busted . The nannys daughter stated that he fell off the dinning table. She stated that Mrs.G had placed him on the table and when she turned around he fell and hit the tile face first. Why would she put him on the table? I asked myself. ...Well thankfully he is okay . His lip is swollen and dark red but he will make it = ) .

Well this morning when I talked to Mrs. G she changed the story on me . She stated that Brian must have misunderstood but Hayden fell off his rocking chair and hit the floor. Sounds like to me she stayed up all night thinking of how to change it so it wouldnt be her fault.

I know kids get hurt , these things happen....but people dont leave 2 year olds on top of dinning tables , I would think .

Well Im fixing to go home and check on my baby. I cant wait to be home taking care of my own children..if that day ever comes.