"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the LORDyour God will be with you wherever you go. " - Joshua 1:9

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Not a happy blog!

Today I am just full of anxiety, for no reason at all. At least none that I know of at the moment. I feel anxious. Like my heart is fixing to jump out of my chest. You know the way you feel when you just drank an energy drink. On my way to work I heard the song they played at my grandfathers funeral. I felt chills overcome my body. It has almost been a year since he passed and very often I find myself in tears thinking about him. I miss him sooo much. Even though he was not my blood grandfather, he was the only grandparent I ever knew. I know he is watching me from up above though. I feel his presence often. He is my guardian angel…I just know it.

Now moving on to other things. The builder of our neighborhood sold off the empty lots to Centex. So now there are new build in our neighborhood in the low 100’s…I hope this does not affect our sale. But I don’t know anymore…I will just sit and wait what the Lord has planned.

My life is full of lots of questions right now. I actually can’t tell you where Ill be 2 months from now….2 weeks…..1 day …..That is such a hard feeling for me. I wish I could just run away form everything and hide. With my family with me of course but just away from all of it. I HATE Houston! I hate it!!! I love some of the people I have come to meet here…but I look back on the day we moved here…and how I wish I could go back and tell myself to just stay in Dallas. There are times I am strong about the whole situation….today I am not! I want out! I want a solution. I want everything to be okay again. I want all the stress to be gone. I want me and my husband to have not much to worry about but our babies and love for each other. I miss seeing my husband happy with his job, happy with himself…..happy with life! I miss the old family we use to be. I miss Dallas. I miss family…. I miss my mom, dad, brothers, I miss my in-laws, I miss my sister in law, I miss my niece and nephew, I miss going to church. I miss being able to just be me………………………..

I am so thankful for the life I have been given. Sometimes it’s okay to cry…today I cry!

I hate the fact that my babies call the nanny momma! I hate that on days that I cant take it ……I don’t have somebody I call a best friend that I can call and pour my heart out too…. I hate the fact that I’m pouting my heart out on blog that nobody is reading…I hate that my little brother is going through heartache and I cant fix it!

I hate the fact that I am not strong today …… I want to be a better Christian, Mother, Wife, and person…

I hate that I let this all get to me………………….

When will this season end Lord? I am waiting……….I will continue to wait…you are most powerful and almighty…There is a reason for all of this I am sure…

It’s a slow fade………………people never crumble in a day ……..

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