"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the LORDyour God will be with you wherever you go. " - Joshua 1:9

Monday, January 11, 2010

Its Okay!

This past weekend was really laid back. We did alot of nothing. I cleaned and cleaned, I even managed to unclutter the garage. I think I have to do that every month or so . I have to keep the closets pretty empty due to house showings so everything just ends up in a marked box in the garage.

Last night however was pretty rough . Brody woke up around 1 am and would not go back to sleep . He was crying at the top of his lung's. This is pretty normal for him , he is our little drama queen. The moment he wakes up you will hear him down the street I'm sure. Well I noticed he didn't want his bottle or his Binky. This is when my mama wheels started turning. He has to be teething. We gave him Motrin , held him, rocked him...but it wasn't till We started telling him that it was okay that he got quiet and finally went to sleep.

During these outbursts i tend to not say much , I hold, I rock , I hum but hardly do i ever say anything. My husband finds himself telling me constantly "Tell him something, talk to him". During these times I just like to be quiet tho. I guess its just me and my way of thinking. When I was a young child...well even now and anything was ever wrong, I was treated more like "suck it up" than "come here baby let me kiss your boo boo". You would think that would make me strong but instead i think it made me weaker....well maybe not weaker but definitely more emotional. I cried many nights in my room by myself without anybody ever knowing. I held a deep dark secret to myself from the age of 3 to 12 . I didnt know how to handle it and when I finally came out and told I dont think I got the reaction I expected. I cant even Imagine a little kid having to deal with such things , with nobody to help or listen , or explain to them what happened. I have gone through things in my life my family does not even know about. Even know in life, I tend to keep my problems to myself instead of sharing it with my family. If I do share , I get the " Well I went through worse speech" which is fine to try to give me a sense of reality , but maybe not at the moment Im calling you to tell you want im going through. Most of the time I just need somebody to listen.My husband has been very helpful at getting me over some stuff. Maybe later I can share what my secret was. Im actually pretty open about it , I just dont feel like going into detail today ..especially when its down on paper for me to look at.Well anyways I guess that brings me back to last night with Brody . Maybe Im just afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting their feelings, Maybe I feel that like me that need somebody to nurture you .

I guess I wont know till they are older , Until then I guess Ill keep holding them, kissing them , rocking them , and when Brian reminds me Ill say "Its Okay". I leave you with a picture my dada took of Hayden and he just sent me ...He was at the park with pampa...thats what he calls him ...Photobucket

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